The worst day of my life

Beth was moved from the PICU and onto the acute ward but not for long before she was moved back onto PICU because there are less staff, staff can't be around for one patient and the self harm escalated.

Summer 2021 she was moved to an acute placement , still 3 hours away and after a week they requested we try home leave but for 2 weeks as it was a long journey to just do overnight or a weekend.

I gave my concerns, that I thought it was too long after been hospitalised 5 month and about her been alone . Dr made the plan that she would stay at her Dads whilst he was at work and stay with me weekends. I knew it was a bad idea.

We collected her on th Saturday and she went out with her Dad and sister and I took her out on Sunday and she had a lovely time and was the happiest that I seen her.

She slept at her Dads on the Monday and whilst he went to work, Beth took an overdose. It was serious and she was unresponsive for 19 hours.

I stayed with her for 30 hours but had to leave as she was finding it difficult to accept that transport would be returning her back early.

Here is a poem I wrote for her 💕

A girl I once knew

My arms she was placed in

I held onto her so tight

She was so very precious

Everything was just right

A family we were at last

Mother, Sister, Dad

A confident young girl we loved

Who was happy and so glad

She loved dressing up

She was a Dramaqueen

She loved to wear bright colours

She was certain to be seen

She had lots of friends

They would come to her birthday

Fun, giggles and laughter

They would dance and they would play

As she grew older and she went to school

She stopped fitting in

She didn't want to stand out

She didn't feel cool

She then became lonely

Her head always in a book

Her friends moving on

Not giving a second look

She was always working so hard

Her teachers thought she was bright

Though it didn't come easily

To try to get everything right

She wanted it to be perfect

It took upon a toll

It sucked up all her strength

The top mark, that was her goal

She lost herself in books

There was no longer fun to be had

A shell of the girl she was

And now she was so sad

She had no cares in the world

She was fun and a delight

Then something had happened

She was robbed from my sight

I never seen it coming

She was taken away

I wish I could hold on

And please beg her to stay

The BPD it stole her

Claimed her actions and words

Making her hurt herself

I know it seems absurd

Wanting to end her life

Pushing away those near

Rejecting any help

Ending up dead, that is my fear

I do not recognise her

Darkness stares from her eyes

My heart hurts so much

I'm not ready to say my goodbyes

Her words cut deep

Sharper than a knife

I dust myself off

And wish for a better life

I try to keep her safe from harm

But it is so hard to do

When she really wants something

She will see it through

She had taken more than many

Fluids, oxygen and ECG

I held her hand, my tears did fall

She laid so peacefully

I wish that I could save her

From this life sucking disease

To keep her safe from harm

I beg upon my knees

I hope one day, she accepts help

To fight this demon from inside

To use her strength from within

To be free, no longer tied"